I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
some Old Testament wisdom
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“OMGJK” -atheists
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I bet birds love this building.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the