This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*exercises sarcastically*
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.