*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
You Might Also Like
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.