Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0