My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.