Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m sure it’s fine.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
u spoke cat all this time??????
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*