Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*