I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.