I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Well, that should do it
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection