@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
What’s a Messi?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
what my late-night hot pocket sees
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.