My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.