On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I think I’ll stand
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap