Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”