I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”