Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
You Might Also Like
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer