Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
You Might Also Like
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?