genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
😂😂😂
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.