My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
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Florida be like…
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.