[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
inside you are two wolves
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty