Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?