You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Coffee for people with no kids
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.