Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours