Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“That’s what” – She
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Just had my nails done!
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably