Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You Might Also Like
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
why would tinder want me to say this
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
me and my fake scenarios
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.