Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Beware of the dog..
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
mechanics be like
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.