[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Just me?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again