Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department