Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
the red hot silly peppers
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
.. do you even science?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally