FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The news is so predictable nowadays
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
i actually laughed 😩
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)