. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You Might Also Like
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Everyone’s family
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.