“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.