If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Webb. James Webb.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…