Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se