“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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this is how life feels
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.