70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.