[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
any last words?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
pat pat
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that