“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now