I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
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OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.