Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
THIS HEADLINE
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
i was baptized in a car wash
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.