Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
You Might Also Like
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
😂🤣😂🤣
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again