Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.