I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD