Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
these two trucks have the same bed length
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Thursday
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?