Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
You Might Also Like
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Two types of dogs.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.