[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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accurate
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
relationship goals
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes