My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
You Might Also Like
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
How dude HOW?!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.