My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Thursday Thought.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol