ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.