If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…