Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The game has officially changed 😎
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Wise advice
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.